it is always funny to reread my writing because i can tell when i am in a frazzled state of mind based on my penmanship. yesterday’s writing is a frantic mess. i can’t use those clues on the keyboard. i guess that shows how much more personal my hand written writing is, it gives a further look into my condition than this allows. that is sort of beautiful to think about.
my room is freezing. although it is february, the sunshine outside my window tells me i’d have better luck finding warmth outside.
but those aren’t the things that really matter here now are they? i cannot bear to think of the studying that lies ahead, dragging myself to class this afternoon, or the pressures and deadlines that fall within the upcoming weeks. i can only stand to exist in each isolated moment as it occurs.
i want to fill my days with more than just class, homework, internet dawdling, food, and a workout. those are just the punctuated events, but the time in between matters too. it matters more. i want variety, growth, activity, excitement. i want my days to be filled with more than a series of tasks to be crossed off the to do list.
i don’t think i am grasping the dizzying whirl of life quite enough. i’m not feeling fulfilled. there are glimpses of it every so often, but shouldn’t it be more of a constant thrill? the worst of it is, im not even sure how to find the time to live in the sense i imagine. imagine that, not having the time to live. what is the use of my existence?
i am nineteen in a matter of days. i have come to realize that life is not a waiting game. it won’t suddenly turn to sunshine once this event rounds the corner or that date arrives. i held on to that illusion all through high school, that things would be different once i got to college. i’m not sure if that mentality helped me get through it or hindered me from experiencing that period in my life to the fullest. what i know now is that life is happening now, i’m just not sure how to be satisfied with that.
